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I’ve always been drawn to the wave as it crests and crashes upon the shore. And yet, I’ve hated when my life reaches a crest as in I’m healthy and employed to be followed by the trough of I’m disabled.

sun kissed waves Lake Ontario Rudy's

The waning of the moon comforts me and draws me in just as magically as the waxing of the celestial orb. And yet with my chemical sensitivities, when my strength waxes — I throw myself into the day: gardening, walking, cleaning… When I have an exposure to toxic chemicals and my physical strength wanes — I mourn the loss of the day as I lay on the couch wishing for more.

I enjoy the beginning of the bud unfurling as much as I marvel at the end of the leaf’s existence. Maybe chemical sensitivities has become my crest and my trough.

Recently, I attempted to hang laundry on the line. It was a breezy day and there was a weird smell in the air. What ever the breeze carried to my yard was toxic and put me on the couch for an entire day. A beautiful sunny day spent doing “nothing”. And yet not quite nothing. I spent the day meditating and reading and contemplating forgiving life’s pain. This “down” day was my reminder to grab the next day that I am “up” and live it joyfully. Yes, I will go on a nature walk. Yes, I’ll have that cup of tea with you. Yes, I will snap the photo of the beautiful bird.

rose-breasted grosbeck Ground Hog Lane

I used try to forgive the actions of a person. The action of putting toxic chemicals unlabeled into everyday products and selling them to people including pregnant women and children — is not forgivable. MCS has taught me to forgive the person for acting from a place of fear. I believe a person must be very fearful to choose a life of releasing toxic chemicals into the beauty of the world — of choosing to destroy rather than create.

But what if we stopped focusing on the action and started focusing on the people and then the process of why humans keep finding new ways to destroy lives and the environment of this world?  Maybe the next generation will actually have a world worth being born into. This world once had clean air and drinkable water and food enough to sustain all living creatures. It was a world that did not need PhD’s to pronounce the “new” substances created in a lab. We would have a world of balance. A world where a fourth grader could pronounce all that there is: trees, animals, plants, water, air, love, kindness, peace….


Nature keeps trying to find balance but we humans keep digging a deeper trough. We can’t ever get to another crest if we don’t learn how we sunk so low in the first place. We can’t change the actions until we understand the process and we can’t do that until we understand — why when killings go up people buy more guns — when ice caps melt and island nations disappear, people search for more oil to burn — when more people get sick from toxic chemicals never meant to be in this world, people create more and stronger toxic chemicals.

Institutions, corporations, governments will change when people decide that the pain from inaction is greater than their fear of action.

rippled water duck Oswego River FultonSo am I in a crest or a trough today? I’m not sure but I have this feeling that all my work with forgiveness and learning who I want to be as a person is leading to a shift. I don’t know if that shift will result in a ripple or a tsunami but as long as it is a change toward love and peace then I look forward to the next wave of change.