Any time fear shows up – that is the ego: panic attacks, indecision, doubt, sense of loss…
The thing about announcing that I would pursue love for a year meant that I had to stop reveling in the fear present in my life. I easily concede that for as long as I can remember I have been afraid of spiders and filling out forms and having to speak in public. Decades ago, I had never heard of an ego and never thought about a parasitic fear-thriving “entity” co-existing with me. When I started to observe this ego in action in other people – I was able to start observing it in me. Since love and fear can’t co-exist – one of them has to go. I started to be aware of my fear but more importantly I began to focus on being loving.
At first I thought I either built my relationships with Love or Fear. That these two emotions were the mortar that held together where I “lived”. I thought of the bricks as my actions and situations and possessions and words and job and the people I surrounded myself with. I still think of the bricks as the same. But not the mortar. I was crazy to ever think that Fear can hold a relationship or any part of my life together. All fear can do is rip it apart.
No matter how bad my job is or my finances or my health — the thicker the mortar of Love — the happier I will be. No matter how great my job or finances or my health — if I believe I can be happy surrounding myself with fear whether it be jealousy or insecurity or apathy — at some point these things will cause my world to crumble and I will not have the mortar to put them back together again.
The last few years, I lost my job and became disabled with MCS and most of my “friends” ignored me and I have become physically isolated due to the toxic chemicals in “fragrances” and other products. But I worked really really really hard at not defining myself by the bricks I had to build with. Rather, I decided the more Love I could layer in between my life experiences — the happy I would be.
We all have a parasitic-fear-thriving entity whispering in our ear and we all have Love in our hearts. What life will you build with them today. If you choose to hold your life together with Love — it will be an interesting patchwork of curiosity and adventure and Grace.
What have you built today?