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“Depression is an inability to construct a future,” by Rollo May.

I’ve been in a funk the last few days. I liked to “blame” it on the never-ending rain and cold, but in fact, today is blue sky sunny and I’m still in a funk. AND IT’S OKAY! It’s okay because I know I feel this way because I have been working on getting rid of the pain from my past. The posts I’ve been writing about May being MCS  awareness month are certainly bringing back unfond memories from being attacked/bullied when I was a teacher. And that’s okay (the memories not the bullying). A year and a half ago, I would have been in a puddle of tears at even the thought of what I went through. Mostly, today, I feel drained. It’s not so much from what occurred in the past. It is what is occurring in the present.

In the year and a half, since I became disabled, my former school district still allows “fragrances” to be worn in the building, new products with “fragrances” have been developed and are sold in stores, I’ve read stats like in a five-year period diagnoses of MCS have risen 31% in Canada.

So now what — am I just going to be depressed forever? In truth, this post was written over many hours. I typed the quote, first paragraph and started on the second… And stopped. I acknowledged I was depressed. I allowed myself to feel it. I chose not to do busy work to cover it up. I chose not to force myself to write a blog post as if somehow helping someone else elevate their mood was miraculously going to elevate mine. I’ve learned that with every negative emotion there is a lesson to be learned. There is a release of the past that needs to occur before a future can be constructed. So I grabbed my coat, gloves, and camera and drove to the high school which sits by the lake. And I faced my demons. I faced the past. I can either think of myself as a disabled, former teacher who suffers from MCS or I can think of myself as a photographer/writer/blogger/spiritual warrior. (Below you’ll find my answer)

I can’t say I am in party mode right now but I am a much happier person than I have been the last 24 hours.

Please share your journey out of the darkness. If you love anyone including our beautiful planet please stop wearing synthetic fragrances.

Love,

Colleen

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Day 125 in the Pursuit of Love (funk) — take two — for those who prefer visuals.

“Depression is an inability to construct a future,” by Rollo May.

Image14cloudsImage1ME002Too many days of rain. And too many posts about MCS equal a funk.

 

 

 

Image6barkMy eyes are hardened to the future because I keep looking to the past.

 

 

 

Image5pidgeonsA friend sends me wishes for better weather (and her special) birds. For a moment, my spirit lifts.

 

 

 

Image7dandelionI read posts (Sonda and MCSGAL) about toxic chemicals used to kill dandelions are also killing our bees which will destroy our food supply. And I spiral down again.

 

 

 

Image3suncrossAfter reading many posts about MCS — which is already my living hell — I realize I have nothing left. I decide to just sit and look out the window. And I think, Jesus, I know I’m supposed to love and feel love — but right now I’ve got nothing. And this was my answer.

 

 

 

 

Image2cloudImage9lakeThis morning I hope that my funk is gone but alas it is still my companion. I go to where my past still haunts and torments me. I walk. I don’t seek I just surrender to the moment. As I walk past the window that was my former classroom, the sun is in my eyes so I avert my face and am left to look at the lake instead. The sound of waves is soothing.

 

 

Oswego 086Image7signI go to look at the “fragrance” sign on the door. It used to say, “use of fragrance is  not permitted”and now it says it is voluntary. I’ve spent hours speaking to the school board, the superintendent, supervisors, the union — I do not view this as a “SIGN” of success either literally or symbolically. And then, at first I walk over it. And then I go back. I’ve wondered what to do about MCS Awareness Month and encouraging the School District and the Teacher’s Association to do more. And I look down.  1 1/2 End is at my feet. And so I do. After a 1 1/2 years of disability — I end trying to put my energy toward people who don’t want to change. And I put my energy toward people who do.

 

Image10flagImage8flagThis moment, I am somewhere between feeling ripped apart and ripped off AND flying free and whole. But it is a start.

 

 

 

For the health of everyone on the planet, I hope today and everyday is a fragrance-free day for each of us. Are you fragrance free? If not — why not?

Love,

Colleen

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