“Yet it is in this loneliness that the deepest activities begin. It is here that you discover act without motion, labor that is profound repose, vision in obscurity, and, beyond all desire, a fulfillment whose limits extends to infinity,” by Thomas Merton.
I couldn’t settle on what to write today. The word “fulfillment” popped into my head. I searched for quotes and this is the one that touched me to the core. This weekend I felt a subtle shift in my being. I was working on getting my tax stuff together. With MCS as I touched the papers and receipts — it set off a headache and hives and …. The temperature was in the teens. I felt like cooking a yummy pot of something warm and comforting — BUT — this involved going to the store — NOT — a possibility since I was already reactive. And then…
When I had to lay down from the headache… When I had to quit doing something as simple as filing papers because of toxic chemicals… I didn’t spiral into my abyss of depression. The panic attacks didn’t come. I didn’t feel lonely.
I used the time to practice being mindful. I went through and organized my photos on the computer. I read a book.
It felt like when I’ve discarded my winter coat and sweaters and boots and donned a tee-shirt and shorts and sandals for the first time in Spring. It felt like some heavy outer layer of myself had been left behind and a new part of life had begun.
It was too cold to walk — so the birds came to me.
I hoped for the unexpected and I got a visitor.
I have seen numerous tracks. I heard the crunching of branches. And as I surrendered that the photo was not to be, after many, many months, I spotted her in the woods. We watched each other for a while. And then she chose to trust me and came closer. I felt myself spiraling — NOT downward — BUT UPWARD… toward a fulfillment that extend toward eternity. I now have about 40 pictures of this beautiful doe — I thrilled at the joy of taking every one of them.
I smiled when she walked off.
Earlier in the day I had decided it was too cold even with my winter wear on to go for a walk. I knew my dinner was being overcooked in the oven. It was dusk and the wind was starting to gust. And yet, I stood on my deck in my socks and no coat and didn’t want to be anywhere else.
I hope you’ve found your fulfillment.
I thought I had lost so much when I became sick and lost my job and most of my friends…and I did. I lost stress and gossip and being under the rigid control of what the government defines our children need to know to succeed in life. When I picked up a camera, I gained peace and joy and purpose.
Have you found your purpose? And are you embracing it or are you dancing around the notion that it would to big a change to pursue it or of course you’re not good enough? Did you find your purpose after you thought you had lost the life you thought you wanted?