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“Only the truth of who you are if realized will set you free,” by Eckhart Tolle.

Yesterday, I decided to be playful. I managed to fit a few moments in before the gale force winds came to town and set off my migraine. Image3heartI was looking out the window and thought it would be fun to make a heart in the snow. And so I did. I then climbed up into my attic to take a picture but I decided it was too windy to take the screen off. I’m kind of glad the photo didn’t turn out well. Fun shouldn’t have to be memorialized for posterity. It should be experienced. Image4heartWhile I was in the attic Nox had a bit of fun with a straight strip of cotton I had given her. Turns out her playtime also made a heart.

Image1noxNox and I also shared a dance. If music is on and I start snapping my fingers — she jumps up on the chair. Sometimes I take her tail and dip under it but mostly she picks up one paw and then the next. Image2nox

I hope you found time for fun. I figure if I’m not enjoying being with me who else is going to want to spend time with me?

I have to admit with my migraine, today, is a more internal, reflective day.

Today’s Intention: What is my “drug” of choice?

I don’t mean drugs for medicinal purposes. I don’t even necessarily mean a drug such as alcohol. I mean — what do I use to numb myself so that I don’t have to feel? I grew up with alcoholism on both sides of my family. I married an alcoholic. This is a way many people are used to seeing their lives numbed. But since I became disabled I realized there is a whole list of ways people numb themselves:

gossip

drama

sports

sex

food

TV

video games

And many more… The “thing” itself is not a drug — its how it is used. I didn’t realize  until due to my illness, I had to make changes in my life or die, that a few of my “friends” had been using me as their “drug” of choice for years. Their “friendship” with me wasn’t reciprocal. I gave. They took. I needed them. They took off.

In the pursuit of love this realization was all important to me. By letting people go from my life who didn’t want to have a relationship with me, I have more time and energy to expand the loving relationships I do have. When I didn’t play by their rules, they just replaced me with another “drug” of choice. I learned from this, however. I’m more nurturing to the people in my life that do want to be my friend. I’m more aware when I’ve played an hour of solitaire on my computer or watched 4 hours of TV that I’m numb. This may feel good to have less pain but numb is numb — this also means I’ve stalled in my attempts to feel more love because I in fact am feeling nothing at all.

I figured today this would be the best day for observing how I numb myself because I would truly love to numb the pain of this migraine and this may teach me a lot of how I numb pain from situations and relationships.

I hope you have a love filled day,

Colleen

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