The last two days you may have noticed a pattern. In my pursuit of love I have only been observing. As I said in the disclaimer — I have no qualification to preach or teach (except science according to the State of NY) to any one else. This is my journey. If you learn something from my quest — this makes me happy. If you don’t that’s okay — hopefully you’re learning from your own journey.
So far my observations have led me to the notion that when I decided to observe love for the day I seemed to get more love. When I decided to observe the ego (fear) for the day — I spent most of the day trying to quell a panic attack.
Two days to a scientist like me isn’t enough to make any decisions. But the point of my observations is that how can I go after something if I’m not certain what I am looking for or conversely what I would like to avoid.Day One I spent with my family having a second Christmas — by the time I left (because of my MCS) my tongue was itchy; I had hives; my chest was tight; I was sick to my stomach, and I had a headache BUT I was happy. Although there are a few family dynamics I wish were different — I was surrounded by love and my physical issues seemed so much more manageable. Day two when I went exploring my ego — most of the physical symptoms had resolved themselves — all that was left were the hives BUT I was alone for the day. Everything I needed to do for that day seemed to be a trial. The more I thought about my issues the bigger the issues got and before I knew it I was obsessing over issues I had actually resolved years ago.
As I’ve said before the ego loves drama and I was allowing myself to feed that drama — until I decided I had had enough of observing my ego and I started to mentally repeat: “Love created me like Itself,” from A Course in Miracles. I feel like I have an emotional hangover today BUT I’ve made some definite observations as to what emotions I like to feel and those I do not. And more importantly how quickly my ego (fear) can take over.
I like to observe other people because then I don’t have to get all riled up about myself. I can take in these observations and ponder them and consider what works for me. In truth, I always feel like the odd duck in a crowd and I often go into a situation defenses on high alert. If someone wants to show me love they gotta get through a whole lot of armor first.
I often watch my parents. And I think WOW my mom’s got some control issues. I would never say or do THAT. And not very long after I’ll realize that I said or did something very similar.
Today’s Intention: I’m going to observe how often I judge other people or situations. I think this is important for me because multiple times in my life I have been told by people that they didn’t like me at all when they first met me. After getting to be friends with me I’ve gotten used to the comment — “I thought you were such a snob, but you’re really just shy.” Why is this important to my pursuit of love? What if I judged someone as somehow unsuitable to be in my life? They could have been one of the most loving people to cross my path and I nixed the chance for them to show me love before they had a chance.
I like to think of myself as non-judgmental — I guess I’ll see how many times I catch myself being judge and jury today.
Have fun today if you decide to give this a go. Let me know if there were any surprises — were you more or less judgmental than you thought you’d be?
PS. I wrote this post last evening and before I posted I read MCSGal’s comment for yesterday… love it.