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I have always been an avid reader.  Reading brought me knowledge, freedom, companionship and spirituality.

The Nancy Drew Series, A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle , and From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, by E.L Konigsburg showed me that girls can be “all that” and more.

Science was always my area of interest. It’s probably why I’m a science teacher. The Complete Works of Sherlock Holmes allowed me to use the analytical part of my brain to imagine I could be ingenious enough to solve all the problems of the world.

I hadn’t explored my spirituality up to this point – in fact I categorically denied it. Even after a car accident that I forgot to put my seatbelt on. I was rear-ended – but instead of going through the windshield – only my head moved with the inertia of the crash – my body pushed into the seat. When I went to take off my seatbelt and discovered I wasn’t wearing one – I realized the pressure that pushed me into the seat wasn’t across my chest – it was as if two hands had pushed against my shoulders.

How’s that for a woo-woo moment?

A short time later, I was golfing. As I walked off the tee – a voice in my head yelled “STOP” – you know one of those parent-like yells that usually involve your first, middle and last name ending in do it now or else. Luckily, I froze literally in mid-stride AND THEN a bullet went through my hair. If I had placed my foot down – the bullet would have gone through my temple.

An even bigger woo-woo moment. I reasoned it away just as I had any other spiritual moment that tried to sneak up on me when I was unawares.

Around twenty years later, the scientist in me had collected enough data that I couldn’t ignore that something other than pure science was going on in my life. But when I tried to reason what it was – it was as if a locked door hovered in front of my face. And then one day I was given the key. The Secret by Rhonda Bryne unlocked that door. And then more books poured in –  The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, The Game of Life and How to Play It by Florence Schovel Shinn, The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer — and to many others to mention.  These helped me to conduct enough of my own experiments so that I was left with only one realization – call it what you will God, The Universe, The Force, Infinite Intelligence or any name you so desire – my favorite is LOVE – I may not be able to grasp the complexity of it all – BUT NO SHIT SHERLOCK – IT EXISTS.

Now if you read my post yesterday – My Biggest Fear: Happiness – then you know I’ve tried to stay in the middle of the road concerning anything and everything in my life. As I started my new spiritual path, I’m thinking all sunshine and joy are coming my way. Yeah right – they’re coming – but first I have to dig down and get rid of all the putrid self-loathing I had accumulated over five decades. Up until this point with my middle of the road emotional mentality – I could never conceive of someone being suicidal nor could I figure out why kids cut themselves. My son explained the later. He said, “Kids cut to feel something – anything – at that moment they feel nothing at all.”

This made no sense to me how could you feel NOTHING AT ALL?

Anger

Love

Hatred

Joy

Boredom

Maybe.

But Nothing?

Not Possible!

Until it happened to me.

I awoke in the middle of the night. There was no preamble. The moment I awoke, I looked at my wrists and thought Why Not?

The Why Not? was why not slit my wrists. And the thing was I felt NOTHING. Luckily, I had just read the book Ask and it Is Given (Learning to Manifest Your Desires by Jerry and Esther Hicks (The Teaching of Abraham). There was a page that listed 22 emotions from

1. Joy/knowledge/Empowerment/Freedom/Love/Appreciation

to

22. Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness.

The whole idea was to get from 22 to 1 – you had to climb one rung of the ladder at time. And as long as you kept moving up eventually you’d get to #1.

Lying in bed looking at my wrists, I wasn’t emotionally even on the chart. So – never let it be said ex’s aren’t good for anything – I thought of all the cruel things that ever been said to me with the honey coating that it was for my own good. And I made it onto the ladder – I felt despair and some grief and I kept going.

The second time this same book saved my life was the opposite extreme. I still had suicidal thoughts but it was because I was so OVERWHELMED with my emotions. I had trusted someone with one of the broken pieces of my heart. I asked please do this one thing for me – the response “I don’t understand, but if it matters to you, it matters to me.” An hour later the promise was broken. Going into a tailspin of self-loathing – I remembered – one rung at a time. I knew I could do anger and as long as I was angry I wasn’t in depression/despair. I poured my anger out in an email – not a great thing to do to keep a friend – but right then I was fighting for MY LIFE.

I’m glad I’m still alive. I’m glad I forgave my friend. I now know ALL the bad stuff is FEAR and ALL the good stuff is LOVE. This person was afraid just like me and fear gets one — more fear. I dropped my judgment of the situation and all I’ve got left is Love and of course — thankfully — the rest of my life to read more books.

What do you think? Is there a book(s) that totally transformed your life?

 

 

 

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